wagwaan?

The dating game

So I mentioned I went on a date....  I think this whole dating thing could probably fill a blog of its own. It's very "interesting". How does someone my age meet anyone new? Especially when their job is in quite a small department, quite separate from the rest of the hospital. With lots of women and about 4 guys, who are all happily married (and not my type lol). Internet dating, that's how.  

I've been online for about 10 months and I have found that the people who want to meet me are, how do I put this politely? Not my type. AT. ALL. Luckily, there is a "search" option, so I can be a bit more picky about the kind of guy I'd like to meet.  I have been on a few nice dates, and am still in touch with a couple of guys, from a distance: they are both nice guys as far as I can tell, but they live too far away to make it work, plus they are both in quite precarious job situations at the moment.

More recently, I was chatting to a guy who lives in Wembley, which is where my mum was born. We seemed to have more and more in common, so when I saw that Friday nights are Soul/Tamla DJ nights at my nearest pub, I asked if he wanted to go with me. The place opens at 9pm but we didn't get there till 10:15 - I had a bit of a joke with Claire that I was ready for bed by that time!  He called me when he was on his way and I said I'd walk down and meet him, but he was horrified I'd think of hanging around waiting for him in the dark, so told me to stay put until he got there first.  Claire gave a thumbs up when she heard his concerns, and of course I couldn't get him to pick me up at home - not when they say you should have a first meeting in a public place. When I did start walking, I was on the phone to him (hands free) and he kept me talking until I got there, so I wasn't alone.  He seems a gentleman.

Anyway, we got to the place, and he bought drinks. It was packed and we stood at one end of the room, bopping along to the music and chatting. We got on really well and there was lots of laughter. We danced until 1am, then sat in his car chatting till nearly 3am - I can't remember the last time I was out that late. At this point of course all the street lights were off, so he wouldn't hear of me walking home. He walked me right to my door, which was really sweet of him. A quick hug and he was off. We've texted over the weekend. He's very self-assured and straight-talking and I look forward to getting to know him a bit more. I think at the very least we'll become fast friends. 

I must say, there is a weird thing with this dating lark: you can have a perfectly nice connection with someone, then go for a drink or meal; get on well, have a laugh, appear to have something to work with.... and then after a couple more texts, SILENCE.  I can understand that not everyone is going to be someone you want to pursue, but seriously? Can they not say "this isn't working for me" rather than just go silent?  I don't know. Guys are weird lol.

Anyway, so that's where I am right now. I seem to be busy all the time, and May is going to be really busy as I'm helping with an exam preparation course and one actual exam. Then there's a wedding reception for friends at the Community Centre; another meeting of the craft group; a rheumatology appointment; a staff meeting; an appraisal (I'm the one appraising) etc etc. I am seriously going to have to pace myself aren't I? Watch this space :)

Just before I go, here's a quick collage of my Sunday that I did for FMSphotoaday.

(weather not as sunny as it had been all week; new book from the library - great read; cuddling with the cat; buying new bedding; delicious Berry Hibiscus Refresha from Starbucks).  

Fun

I distinctly remember posting something about wanting more FUN in my life. Was it last year? Anyway, today I shed a little tear when I read Ali E's blog post because she put into words exactly how I have been feeling.  

This isn't the first time either. 20 years ago, after my divorce, I remember friends saying to me "the old Jen is back" and commenting on how different I'd been when I was married.  I had a great time after that, having fun and going out and generally enjoying life. Until I crashed and burned about 18 months later... One of the reasons for that was also coping with the death of my father whose anniversary is today actually, as he died on 8th April 1993, just a few months after my marriage broke down. I guess a divorce and a bereavement all at the same time were a lot to cope with.

Of course, we all know what happened after that: 15 years ago Claire and I moved over to the UK and very shortly after that I met W, at work.  We had an unconventional relationship in some people's eyes, but it suited us, and we used to have such fun. We laughed, oh how we laughed.  But then I had my brain haemorrhage and I wasn't much fun any more. In fact, I had real problems understanding jokes, and verbal & non-verbal cues. I thought I was fine but I know looking back that I was a very different person for a while. That's obviously not the only reason our relationship broke down, but it didn't help in my opinion.

So yes, I totally understand Ali when she says she has said to people "you didn't know me when I was fun" or "remember when I used to be fun?".  I know I'll get there eventually. I already have moments of pure fun now and then, but I have been quite serious for a while. Serious life events will do that to a person, right? And just when I think I've got a handle on this, I'll get a bit of a knock back and will lose my sense of humour for a while. So, bear with me - the REAL me is in there somewhere. The one that likes to laugh and be carefree and thinks that nothing in this life is really worth getting too het up about. 

Ok, that's enough serious stuff!  The biggest thing that is making me smile right now is the SUNSHINE we have been getting occasionally. When the sun shines all your problems seem less worrying and we have had such a long winter this year. It can only get better.  Peace :)

ETA: I promised you a picture of my cute Pez dispenser from Claire.  I love Hello Kitty - how can you not smile when  you look at her? 

Tuesday

It's a good job I enjoy my work - because my Christmas holiday is over tomorrow. Back to the treadmill at 2pm.  I'm quite looking forward to catching up with my colleagues, and I'm nicely rested now, so it's all good. I was so exhausted just before Christmas I was really desperate for a break. Now to plan the next one.  I have a week off around my birthday next month and I'm thinking about where to go. I've had invitations to Paris and Switzerland.... Oh the possibilities!

Today I got up and blitzed my bedroom. Although I'd unpacked on the day I got home, the suitcase had been left out and I hadn't hoovered, so I did all that. Then it was over to the hospital to catch up with Dr O, and then on to coffee with my new friend L. Well, his name is actually W, which is the same as my ex, so I told him that could be a bit of a problem.  His family all seem to have nicknames so I said I'd use that instead, so L it is.  He doesn't seem to mind. Well, that's what he says anyway.

We have started the New Year on a pretty healthy footing. I seriously need to get a handle on consistent healthy eating. I do manage to do pretty well overall - until I get the munchies and give in to my cravings. The tool that really helps me stay on track is the Myfitnesspal app. I use it to enter my weight, what I eat, the exercise I do etc. There is a huge database of foods already entered, so it's easy to quickly add what I eat, and if I'm out and about and decide on a snack I can even use the barcode reader.

When I started using it last year I entered my starting weight and how many lbs I wanted to lose a week (I chose a  healthy 1-2lbs), and it calculated how many calories I needed per day. I know what a healthy diet is, but I sometimes crave something 'naughty'. With most food in shops and restaurants having a calorie value on the wrapper, or indeed on the shelf, I find that counting calories works for me because I don't want to waste the ones I can eat. I assume it's the same with Weight Watchers points - you don't want to waste valuable points on something that might taste good but won't keep you satisfied for long.  Today, for example, on my way home I stopped for a coffee and was tempted by a lemon dessert pot in Pret a Manger. Until I saw the calorie content on the shelf in front of me I could fool myself that it was healthy....ish. Then I saw the 3 figure value and came back to earth with a bump. And chose a pack of rice cakes instead. Patted myself on the back there, and when I finished inputting my values for today was rewarded with being on target. Long may it last.

The good thing is that if you finish inputting and you are under your calorie target, the app gives you a good talking to and tells you that it's not healthy in the long run and that your body could go into starvation mode, and what the minimum healthy amount of calories is.  I lost about a stone in the Autumn and although I went off the rails a bit with some of the shock news I got in November, I am happy to say it hasn't all gone back on, and even then what went back on over Christmas is now off.  

So there you have it. My New Year plans are on track for health (check), finances (check) and socialising (check). Not a bad start, 8 days in!

Where she opens her heart...

As I sit here, pondering the past year and what lies in store in 2013, I have to say I love where I am right now. My relationship broke down in 2011 although I only moved out in early 2012, and so much has happened since this time last year. Although of course I'm not happy our relationship had to end I am such a believer of the old adage "things happen for a reason" that I can't find it in me to remain upset. Of course I was devastated when it happened, but since then I've pulled myself up straight and decided to look to the future. Such a dazzling one it is too.

A funny thing has happened along the way. I have discovered the meaning of true love. As a mother, I immediately discovered what unconditional love was when I had my daughter, but this is different. The man I spent 13 years of my life with remains a very special part of me. He will always have a little piece of my heart. They say "if you love someone, set them free" and oh my, is that true! I knew without a doubt, from day one of our relationship, that I would never stand in the way of him fulfilling any of his dreams or ambitions. I naturally hoped that we would walk side by side into the future, but I knew that I didn't OWN him and that one day this might happen. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't consciously thinking "he will leave me some day" - I just feel we are all individuals with our own paths to follow in life, and as I love him dearly I want him to be happy. I know a little bit about what is coming up in his future and I am excited for him.

Why am I opening up about this now? Well, a New Year seems as good a time as any to share this with you: please believe me when I say life is too short to be bitter or hold grudges. I do not have any room in my heart for hate and I refuse to live my life thinking what if? or why me?  I know I won't always be smiling and happy about everything that happens in my life, but I CAN decide how I'm going to deal with the aftermath.  

Maybe, just maybe, my words will resonate with someone and if that happens and just one person feels uplifted, then the pain I have experienced will not be in vain.

Love one another!