#Reverb 10 - one word

I don't know about you, but sometimes coming up with something to blog about is quite a struggle. Especially as I don't get out and about much these days. In fact, I've often thought "what's the point?" and thought about closing wa'gwaan, but I know I'd miss it too much. Anyway, I was reading Ali E's blog and she mentioned Reverb 10, so I thought I'd give it a go. You'll just have to imagine that this post is actually dated 1st December because I'm a day behind...

The prompt today is 

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

I don't really have to think too hard about what 2010 has meant for me, but now I'm sitting here thinking of one word that will capture the whole thing. Hmmmm. 

My word has to be REBIRTH.  For any new readers here, you can see at the top of the home page a quick post that explains what happened to me back in February. 3 days before my 50th birthday. First of all, I have to say I don't feel 50 AT ALL. Well, except when my joints creak that is.  In my head I'm still about 30. In fact, a lot of the girls I am friends with are around that age; many are having babies, and I just feel the same age as them, when in fact I suppose I could be their mother. Gulp. Yes, indeed, my little "baby" turned 20 in the summer.  It's funny though, because I remember having this conversation with my own mother years ago, and she said that in her head she still felt about 28, which I took to be a great compliment because she was 28 when she had me and that obviously meant that it was the happiest time in her life. Ahem. And so we come full circle because I was 30 when I had Claire. 

But I digress (that's got to be a first, right?!) - when I was looking at the thesaurus to choose my word, I started with awakening and that led to renaissance, recovery, revival, rejuvenation, resurrection... I'd say any one of those words would fit, but REBIRTH it is.  

Living through a life-changing event really focuses the mind. I can't say "my life flashed before my eyes" like in the movies, but I was calm and ready to die the night before my operation. I prayed a lot, fervently, thinking about the meaning of each prayer, and I felt totally at peace with the world.  The neurosurgeon takes you through what she is going to do, and explains that you could have another stroke on the operating table, or that you could indeed die. And then you sign your consent.  At no point did I waver, or worry that I wouldn't come through it. I have been asked by many if I wondered "why me?" but I really never did. Things happen. Why shouldn't they happen to me too?  

After the operation I was just happy to have come through it ok, despite the pain, the nausea and the fact that the light hurt my eyes.  Very quickly I was just thankful that I had no limb weakness, that I wasn't in a coma, and that I knew I was going to be ok.  I totally underestimated how long it would take me to get over it, but I knew it was all going to be alright in the end.  

I feel totally REBORN and this is why I strive to get better every day, so that I can live my best life from now on. With the best will in the world, life tends to get in the way, the bills have to be paid, and you end up doing something you don't particularly like just to stay afloat. I have so many plans and goals that I want to reach and my aneurysm was my wakeup call to stop existing and start LIVING. 

Which leads me to the word I hope will capture 2011 - and that is FULFILMENT. I nearly chose the word success, but it's not success of a material kind that interests me. It's more about what I can do to help other people, those less fortunate than myself, or young people who could do with a mentor so that they choose the right path. And I want to make people smile when they see the photos I've taken of their children, or smile because they've been shown a little kindness and it's made their day. Those are the kinds of things I want to focus on. 

Hopefully, I'll look back in a year's time and think, yes, I am fulfilled. I am living my best life. There was a reason that I made it through this difficult year. Will you join me?

Comments

[Myra]

Hi Jen

Thank you for sharing your article. I was unfortunate to have had a sub-arachnoid haemorrhage in March 2008 and in July 2010 I had my other aneueurym coiled, the surgeon also told me that that I could die and suffer another stroke, I just wanted to run away from it all but I knew the operation had to be done. Unfortunately I did suffer another stroke during surgery and now my left side is weak, many months I felt depressed and still do but after reading your blog it has given me some hope and inspiration to carry on each day, it might be hard but it's a start.

Myra xx

[Jen]

Hi Myra and thank you! I've emailed you - but don't despair, it DOES get better, and we're all in it together over at BTG. Hugs!

[Caroline]

What a lovely post, Jen, really enjoying reading it. Hope that all you wish for comes true in 2011 x

[SR]

Great post, Jen, so don't you dare have any more thoughts about stopping Wagwaan,eh?!!
I have been thinking about how much shit rained down during the year right from the start of 2010! I like this "one word" idea and will have a think what my words could be, too ;D
Thanks!!
... and rock on, 2011!!!

[Lizzie]

What a thought provoking post, and also a very inspiring one :) I hope you get the fulfilment you wish for in 2011! x