wagwaan?

Lovely Mother's day

Ah what a lovely day I had. I didn't sleep particularly well as the latest inmate to sleep next door gets confused and upset and calls out "help me" or "please come" in a very plaintive voice, day or night. And this morning I awoke to another massive headache. However, the sun was shining through the curtain (I had to keep it closed for a couple of hours) and I knew it was going to be a lovely day. After breakfast I went back to bed to do my best to get rid of the headache, and the morning passed quite quickly. I had Communion before lunch and then Claire came to visit. She'd made me a lovely card and she gave me a DVD of The Lake House, which I love. Can't wait to get home so I can watch it again! After a while we borrowed a wheelchair and went off on a litte jaunt. First stop the WH Smith outlet that has recently opened in the hospital lobby. I asked Claire to look after the wheelchair while I went in and selected a couple of bags of sweets and Country Living. By the time it was my turn to pay I had to call Claire in quickly so I could sit down! I swear it wasn't even 5 minutes but that's how easily I tire. We then went outside and sat in the sunshine although it was rather windy. I suggested we go over the road and round the next building where I knew there was a semblance of a garden, and I ended up walking some of the way because the surface was so uneven and uphill Claire was struggling. I know I've lost some weight but I'm sure it's still quite an effort to push my heavy carcass! We saw one of the male nurses from my unit and he asked if I was trying to escape... We didn't stay too long as the wind was chilly and hurt my head where the scar is, but I did so enjoy looking at the sky and the birds, as well as the spring flowers pushing up through the earth. How beautiful everything is. Sigh. I dont think the boyf will be over today - he seemed happy that I was going to spend Mother's Day with my girl, and that's fine. We spoke earlier and he texts me lots. I still don't think he's very happy around hospitals or sick people, but he's been amazing to me. I'm sure all this is waaay out of his comfort zone! Yesterday he came with me to the ward "gym" while I did 4 trips up and down the steps to prepare for my "release" - I'm determined to be home by the middle of next week. Fingers crossed. Oh two lovely things this weekend: yesterday my friend and colleague Maria came by and pressed some money into my hand and said I should get some credit for my phone so I could call my mum today. What a sweet thought - we both sat here and cried!! (and I did indeed call Mummy today). And this evening Dr O came by with some fruit squash, crisps and sachets of cappuccino to keep me going. I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful friends and colleagues. Each and every message I get touches me more than you can ever imagine. Thank you all! Goodnight x

Bleurgh

That's how I felt all day. I must have overdone it yesterday (Thurs) although I can't for the life of me remember what I got up to. My short term memory is somewhat affected - especially remembering new faces and who I did what with, such as physio or OT. Only par fir the course they say. Now I've had a little sleep I feel better, and I have the window open so it's not so stuffy in here. On a good note I had the visit of some more (ex) colleagues today and they brought me the birthday pressie they'd been holding on to for me; one of the girls had had a heavy cold and didn't want to infect me. Oh they are so sweet! Oh, oh I just remembered Thursday! I blogged it, didn't I? Doh! Anyway, now I need to try and get to sleep again. Nitey nite.

Amazingly lucky

I know I shouldn't dwell on "what ifs" but I got some interesting info from the Stroke Association today and in it I discovered that about half of those who have a SAH die within a few weeks... even if they survive the initial bleed. I am so lucky to have had the privilege of being transferred to a centre of excellence (the National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery) because I believe that fast intervention and surgery carried out by their lead surgeon, Miss Grieve, saved my life. I will never be able to forget that. Meanwhile, I am officially healing: when it's quiet, like when I'm trying to get to sleep, I can hear this strange "tick tick" in my head. Apparently it's my skull knitting back together. It actually makes me feel slightly queasy, but it's not painful or anything. Unlike my war wound which really can get sore. Ugh. Today I took part in the weekly art group with a few of the other inmates, and believe me I am the least affected one in here! After lunch I got taken over to the eye clinic to get my wonky eyesight checked out and I got the warmest welcome from all the drs and nurses. Having worked there for 3 months it was lovely to hear all their kind words and to get so many hugs. Well, that's enough for today. I'm going to have an early night.

The one where she realises it'll be a long haul

My goodness, this is a steep learning curve. I'm sitting here in my hospital room, with no outward sign of what's happened if you look past the scar on my head, thinking I should be back at work by now, right? However, my body, traitor that it is, has other ideas. Yesterday I was taken down to the "aids to daily living" kitchen to show the occupational therapist if I knew how to make a cuppa. They are looking for any cognitive deficits as well as physical ones. Luckily for me, I know that you have to put water in the kettle, plug it in and switch it on, put tea bag or coffee in cup, pour in hot water and add milk. All that without prompting - it's magical, no?! Yes, except I had to perch on a special stool while doing it because my legs were wobbly. Then we had a chat at the "kitchen" table and I was so exhausted I couldn't wash up afterwards. I was taken back to my room and told I might like a rest before lunch. After the door shut I indulged in a brief welling up of tears... then promptly fell asleep until lunch arrived 45 mins later! That afternoon I was just a shadow of my usual self, although I did enjoy the visit of a few friends. By the time the boyf turned up he gently teased me that my eyes were half closed. Boo :( I thought I might sleep well but, just like the leaflets warned, my sleep pattern is pretty disturbed at the moment. It was quite a shock the first time I woke to see it was only 2am - I was sure it must be nearly morning. Luckily I have my own entertainment system: the iPhone is a godsend at all times of the day or night. This morning I awoke with a headache but that subsided after my breakfast paracetamol, only to return after my little foray into the Ward gym: I did a grand total of two trips up and down the 3 steps in the corner and had to go and sit down before my legs gave way. My head was swimming and my legs felt like jelly. How betrayed do I feel by this 50-yr old body? It amazes me how quickly the muscles have gone limp and how a simple task that I always took for granted can be so difficult. Not tha I'm complaining you understand - it's teaching me to listen to W and prepare myself for a long slog. Phew, now I need another lie down!

Sunday night

It's been a funny couple of days. Mood is up and down all over the place and hot tears are quick to burst forth even when I'm not feeling particularly low. I feel fine physically really - no paralysis like my mum or language problems, so I feel I ought to be up and about like nothing happened. I keep getting reminded by the staff that I've been through a life-changing event and I suppose I do know it; I'm just finding it hard to take it on board. The manuals suggest keeping a diary so I feel justified in blogging!
Part of the problem has been the poor lady in the next room. She is 98 and has been crying out a lot in the night, a really distressing sound. Tonight they have moved her back to the main ward to keep an eye on her, and I feel guiltily relieved.
Otherwise, the latest health update is a slight temperature this evening and black marker on my face, to keep an eye on the swelling on the side which appeared to be increasing today... Fingers crossed it's receding!
So there you have it. Another day on the Stroke Unit, la routine quoi. Nite nite x

The ups and downs of recovery

Sorry if that's a gruesome photo! I'm actually very pleased with the way I'm healing. The scar goes across the forehead, into the hair and down in front of the ear, so much bigger than I thought. It's lovely to have moved again too: I'm back in Watford and I have my own room thanks to the intervention of one of my managers. Yesterday I had a busy time with visits from the Occupational and Physio therapists, the Catholic chaplain, a lady who brought me Holy Communion, two managers and finally the boyf. Unfortunately, by the time he arrived I felt quite sick and headachey. The books tell me this us to be expected. W is being amazing, and is in touch with all sorts of people to find out what to expect and what help I can be entitled to. I couldn't love him more. The hardest things I'm finding are tiredness and mood... I woke up this morning just wanting to feel better already! It leads to little quiet weeps but the best medicine is visits from loved ones. Today I had more visits from colleagues who noticed what was missing and came back with tissues, squash, the paper and chewing gum. So sweet! So here I am, chomping at the bit and having to realise that this is going to be a long process. Sorry if it's a bit disjointed but that's me at the moment. Nite!

I've moved!

Gosh, it's been a while... I'm feeling up to posting this evening so here goes. The first ten days or so were just a blur. Life on the ward is a round of buzz, hustle and bustle, but all I wanted to do was sleep and I found myself often silently wailing "shut up" to the other people on the ward. We were all at various stages of recovery and there was Viv in the end bed sufferig from complications of breast cancer which didn't affect her voice, bless her, and with a large family of brothers who all seemed to visit at once. Then there was Mira opposite me: a very sweet Indian lady who spent a lot of time on the phone in a quite high voice that drilled through my head. that was when her family wasn't visiting... Luckily I got ear plugs from my sister in law and a beautiful knitted eye mask from my sister which helped to block out noise and light (still painful).
Every day is an adjustment and at first I was just too exhausted to care about where I was or what the future held. I realise now, though, that I am indeed getting better little by little. I still get a lot of headaches for which i'm on Oromorph and paracetamol. Then I feel sick a lot too, but thankfully haven't vomited for at least a week. I have a big blobby swelling on the side of my forehead from the operation. At first my whole right side swelled up and my eye was completely swollen shut, looking battered and bruised like I'd gone a few rounds with Tyson. Now i just look deformed lol. It still amazes me to think just what went on there - google craniotomy if you dare!
The staff here are amazing and very attentive. I'm being told to take it very easy, which is not hard as I have so little energy.
Anyway, as the title says, I've been moved to a side room which is bliss. There was an outbreak of Norovirus on the ward just after I got here so nursing was very regimented with no mixing of staff between the different bays. Now they are able to move patients on to other wards etc and today has been a day of deep cleaning - I struck lucky with the side room because I'm more "out of the woods" than most of the other patients and can be left without so much supervision. Cool!
Today I had a lovely long visit from the Other Half, which mostly consisted of a lot of hand holding and back rubbing, making me feel lots less depressed than last night. The power of touch should not be under-estimated, it's a vital part of the recovery process. I'm a very tactile person and cuddles, whether with my mum, daughter or boyfriend, are what I miss the most.... My wellbeing is looked after by the staff but there was that little bit missing!
Anyway the meds have really kicked in. I feel good for the first time in ages but I tire easily so this will have to suffice.
Thank you for all your cards, good wishes and prayers. They are ALL most gratefully received. Nite nite.